Long overdue

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Heavenly Father,

I come before you today, lost, confused, broken and in need. I can’t help but think of the verse, “Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” The more I try to know you Lord, the more I see how badly I need you.The more I see how badly I need you, the more I realize how unworthy I am. I am a sinner Lord, such a sinner. At times I am so full of shame, guilt, self-loathing that it becomes inconceivable that you would want anything to do with me. Remember your promise, Oh my Lord, my God, the One True God of Heaven and Earth, “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”

It is here that I often stumble, Father. I pray you will help me in this, to come to a place where I can lay my anxiety at your feet and rest in your Love. Where I can humbly accept what your Son, our Lord and Savior has done. The sacrifice that Jesus Christ made when he died on the cross for all of us. Intellectually, I understand that it is through his sacrifice that I am able to come before you, yet, my heart, Lord. My heart needs healing. Holy Spirit, help me to move aside so that you may take up residence within me. Fill me with a sense of our Father’s love, forgiveness, compassion, strength and goodness.  Remember your promise Lord, “A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.”

As I move through each day, Lord, help me to keep my heart in line with your will. Help me to walk in a manner that glorify’s you. Help me to turn from my sinful ways, to confess my wicked thoughts and desires, to rebuke Satan, in all of his evil manifestations. Fill me with your mercy and love, so that I may pour out the same on those you put before me. Help me to do your will, Lord, your bidding. For your ways and your thoughts are higher than mine, Lord.

Something’s Gotta’ Give.

despair_by_hallpen-d5uxe32 It’s a terrible feeling, but really one I don’t feel like I deserve. Not in the sense of ‘oh poor me, what did I do to deserve this’, but more along the lines of ‘there are so many people in the world who have a much harder life than I do yet they manage to see beauty in things and find happiness, so why the fuck should I always be moping around’. I know this. I believe it. Yet here I am, unable to escape the grip of this insidious emotional rot, spreading through me, day after day, like a mold. GOD, even writing this, I can’t help but shake my head at my own melodramatic moaning. It is what it is though, and that’s what this ‘blogging’ was supposed to be from the start. A place for me to…rant…vent…confess…purge. For if not here, then where? And if not at all, then how can I expect to get out from under it? I’ve been trying the suck-it-up-and-get-on-with-things approach forever, and it apparently isn’t working. I could try talking to someone, but who wants to listen? And then I’d just come off as..needy..whiny…and I can’t have that now can I? I feel immobile, stuck, trapped…but I have no idea what I want to change, specifically I mean. Better. More. Something. Anything!

Fear of….?

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It feels like fear, if I have to name it. But, fear of what,  I cannot say. It’s not an acute fear, but more of a dread of what’s coming, I guess. Yes, that worry of what will happen when I’m found out; caught. What will the punishment be, the repercussions. How will I get through it? Like a child, waiting for Father to get home and dole out judgement. Like a student, waiting outside the principal’s office. Like a liar, caught, unable to deny the accusations and having to face an accuser. Like a weaker opponent, watching as an aggressor moves in for the finishing blow. Like a phony, yeah, a poser, who pretends to be something but is consumed by the idea that everyone knows, everyone can see, everyone is looking, pointing, laughing. Weird, to have this, just under the surface, all the time, lurking. There at times when it’s immobilizing, not many, but some. When I’ll be prepared to go out, to do something, something I want to do, something I’m looking forward to, when BAMMMM!  It’s like running into a brick wall of self-doubt, self-loathing, that forces me to cancel whatever plans I had and retreat inside myself, or return to familiar ground where I can hide, or at best where I feel a modicum of calm, safety. But, is it? Safe I mean?

Something’s not quite right.

anguish-504x726Or, put another way. Something is wrong. Down, down, deep inside, something is…..off….broken….damaged. There is a constant aching malaise, A gnawing, if you will. I suspect it has been with me for…almost ever, though we, and by ‘we’, I mean I, have a terrible ability, and by ‘ability’ I suppose what I really mean is deficiency, to overlook, to ignore, to supress and compartmentalize our pains, sorrows, sufferings, fears, complaints and forge ahead, believing that for some reasons these afflictions are nothing more than ‘life’ and we are meant to simply live with them, put up with them, as if they are some sort of self imposed penance we must bear for a life riddled with sin and unworthiness. When I do stop, when I try to hold this…sickness, to know it, embrace it, understand it, and dare I say attempt to ‘fix’ it, I am assaulted with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. A guilt that stems not so much from any particular past wrongdoing, though there have been many, but more from a belief that my penance, my pain, is nowhere nearly severe enough to grant me any peace, quiet, salvation. So, I let myself be swept along,  yet I grow tired, and the resolve, or more accuarately, the cowardice,  to not deal with whatever this is, to ignore it, becomes less and less. Help.